in the black of the night,

Ummm. Life is good, June holidays really gave me the time to think, reflect and slow down. 

Tonight I refreshed my memory on why I'm doing all this, immersing myself into lecture notes hoping that the information will jump from paper to brain. 

I WANT TO WATCH TRANSFORMERS II 

"Today, I woke up and my wife was more beautiful than I'd ever seen her. We've been married 15 years. GMH"

The past few days have been a whirlwind of activity, and I'm feel the strain. Body aches, my recurrent back strain, exhaustion, sunburns, but above all, rediscovered appreciation, respect and zest for life.

Even wondered what happened to Disney Princesses?
Ever since I chose Beauty and the Beast: A History of Fairytales as one of my Sec 4 options modules, I've always been fascinated with real fairytales, not the untainted, happily-ever-after kinds.

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Rapunzel loses her hair to cancer

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Princess Jasmine fights a war

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More photos from JPGMag

it's been 14 hours. alone.

I woke up at 6am, said bye to my family, hugged and kissed all of them, and waved goodbye.

I woke up again at 10am, wandered around the empty house, ate breakfast.
Mum calls, they've arrived safely (thank God), I talk to everyone on the phone, tears streaming silently down my face. I miss them so so much already. Tried to do work but never really focused.

The meals kill me, I eat alone at the dining table, deafening silence surrounds me.
Mum calls again in the evening, I'm near giddy with happiness, but I need to stop crying.

I treasure "me time", I occasionally prefer to be by myself, sometimes I coop myself at home and avoid the world, I don't mind doing things alone and being alone. But never ever have I felt like this - a feeling I can only describe as loneliness. I pray for strength, it's not even been 24hours and I wish my family was back home already. How on earth am I going to last the next 4 days?

It sounds psycho, but I keep the TV on constantly; it can never replace the noise and bustle of having my family around.

I'm breaking my blogging dry spell because I can't take it anymore, I can't keep everything pent up inside, swirling around in my head.

I can't post because vox is having problems (again) and I can't type anything at andyy.vox.com, which is extremely frustrating. So I've created a temporary new livejournal acct.

I doubt anyone I know will find this or read this. But I've never blogged for people anyway, blogging is literally my personal diary.
It scares me sometimes how dependent I've become on blogging for emotional releases, but I guess it's a much healthier way than binge eating or emotional shopping or any of the many sins and onverindulgences humans are terribly prone to.

Right now, I'm feeling many things - of which fear and sadness is the strongest.
In about 9 hours, my entire family will be leaving for China, and I will be left alone at home for 5 days. I'm scared, because really who likes to be left alone at home? I've always been independent, but the thought of being alone in an empty house, deviod of the hustle and bustle of family life, of literally having no one around scares me. In fact, it downright freaks me out.

My mum told told me I have to get used to it anyway, if I'm going to study overseas. But you know, it's different. Yes I will miss my family, but everything will be unfamiliar and I'll have to get used to it - that's not scary. What is scary is being in the only place that gives you comfort, but having the people who make the place warmth and comfortable gone. It's like something is missing, like a person without soul or a book without words. This feeling really stinks. I feel like I'm about to lose my comfort blanket. Shows how important my family is to me.

Dear Lord,
Please please grant my family safety on their trip to China, right from the moment they board the plane to when they reach the gate upon their return. I pray for your everlasting protection and guidance in the things they do, and that as they enjoy themselves, they will be kept safe and return home safely, happy and healthy. I commit my family into your hands, in Jesus' heavenly name I pray, Amen.

temporarily because I can't post properly to this vox:

silenceintheair.livejournal.com

Days have been spent bemoaning the inability to post proper on vox, studying for SATs, trying to start studying for CTs, worrying alot about the lack of time, eating great food, watching cool movies like August Rush and Benjamin Button, and reading interesting things.

The best thing so far?
Chilling out with coffee at home.